So, I didn’t write this weekend. Had a lot going on but it was beautiful here and it was a bit hectic. We went to see my wife’s family for the first time and it was a bit overwhelming. It was my father n laws birthday weekend so they had a surprise party at the house. Of course, he knew about the party so not so much of a surprise. Overall I think I held it together pretty well until the end and then my anxiety got the best of me. Overall was nice being with family in general.
Sunday was great. I woke up like a firecracker. I’m an awful winter person in general. After football season, I crawl up into a ball for 2 months and hibernate. My favorite thing is working in the yard with the sun on my face so the temptation an 80 degree was too much to not take advantage of and I was looking forward to it.
We headed to church. It’s no secret to my wife that the church we are attending isn’t my traditional bread and butter. I’ve usually gone to traditional church and quite frankly I skipped out for a few years which isn’t something I’m proud of. I wasn’t listening to what was being said but I feel like God has been grabbing my attention lately with signs. Sunday was a sermon on Ephesians. Boy, do you want to talk about something that hit hard. I hate to call it cliff notes but the way the sermon went is that we are dead within our sins and that we truly can’t be saved until acknowledge God as our savior and try to fix who we are.
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
What it made me realize is I have to stop and acknowledge my sins. The answer to salvation isn’t that you are a good person but to believe in doing his work and avoiding the temptations of sin. None of us are perfect but I have done my fair share of sinning. I don’t mean that in the fact that I’ve stolen or broken commandments but in the fact that I haven’t been who I need to be. I’ve not truly opened my eyes to the gifts that I’ve had. I’ve pushed people away because of my fears. Maybe I didn’t feel good enough or maybe I always knew my genetics would catch up with. Heck maybe I’m just scared to be loved. Regardless it opened my eyes a bit to the fact I haven’t been living in the way I would want to be judged in God’s eyes. I’m not saying I’ve found myself but it helped chip a bit off the corner into knowing who I need and want to be.
Anyways off of the mushy stuff. I got back to the house, mowed the grass, and washed off the back porch. I felt great. Maybe just the warmth was helping. When I get cold my nerves don’t seem to work. Maybe it’s the clean eating, or the not drinking, or even just how loving my wife has been but it was all coming together. It just felt good to be me.
Then it got a bit messy. I love my family and my wife’s family. They love us and I try to appreciate it but I personally hate being helped. I’ve always wanted to be the man’s man. I can chop down a tree with my bare hands and Chuck Norris fears my shadow. Over the last week, it’s been “what can we do for you?”, “can I pick that up for you?”, and other offers. My mom randomly showed up to help with yardwork, my sister n law offered to move in for a few months to help, and my mother n law called my wife to talk about what we needed. For the love of Pete I feel more alive now than I have in a year and now people want to help? Two months ago, I cooked Christmas dinner for ten people and couldn’t get anyone to cut an onion and now I need life support?
Anyways my wife was feeling what I’ve been feeling for the past week which is her toes stepped on. Her mom was preaching to her about opening up and my wife was visibly becoming upset. I grabbed the phone and politely said to butt out. We are two strong people and we want to live as normal as possible for as long as we can. For year’s I said what I wanted to probably to a fault. I’ve backed off of that mostly due to my wife calming me down a bit over the years but there it does feel a bit good to know I don’t have to hold back.
I don’t mean that I’m walking around the room going screw you, screw you, screw you. It means that I don’t have to fear who I am anymore. I don’t have to cover up my feelings for the fear of not being accepted nor do I have to change who I am for the comfort of others. We are who we are in life and I want to die being who I am. The joke is that I started feeling alive the day that I started dying. Everything is more peaceful, the sun is a bit warmer, and all of those other typical things people say. It’s not a lie though and I really am happy. While at some point we will need help it’s not there yet. The love is misdirected from family but appreciated. My wife knew how I had felt with toes being stepped on and as small of a thing as it was its just another thing we understand about each other now.
I hope everyone had as good of a weekend as I/we did. Just remember if the life you are living today isn’t something you would be proud of tomorrow you just aren’t living right.
PS: I’m going to get some additional sections going this week such as what I’m doing nutritionally with supplements and diet so that should be interesting. I can’t say how much better I feel eating clean now.