I’m sitting here on the porch and its 70 degrees in February. Not a bad gig. Yesterday I woke up wide open. Proceeded to hit up some yard work trimming all the hedges and cleaning up. I’ve come to the conclusion we have too many bushes. I love working outside and sliding some headphones in and relaxing does wonders for me. The kids when outside all day to play with the neighborhood kids which is something I need to push on them more. It’s important for them not to miss these days in their lives. I say that but they are probably upstairs playing Minecraft and taking it easy today.
Anyways I got all that done and decided to keep rolling. Washed and waxed the truck because its looked like a hot mess since the winter storm. About half way through that my body called it quits but pushed through it. Man, do I feel it today. Just last week I was told to not push myself until it hurts and today it took some major power to get up for church. Regardless I really enjoyed it and God has blessed us with some beautiful weather. Wish I didn’t feel like I got into a fight with Mike Tyson or I might go another round today. Overall that was a great day. Kept pumping my body full of food and finally got my calorie intake up. My goodness it’s hard to slam in 3000 calories. Evidently the doctors want to plump me up.
Today we got up early for church which I’ve really come to enjoy. My mood wasn’t great and I just generally hurt. Our normal Pastor wasn’t there this week so we took a break from the scheduled sermon. To be honest I wasn’t listening the way I normally do. I wasn’t taking it all in but something caught me. The Pastor discussed how Christians tend to expect new Christians not to fall down and compared it to parenting a child. We can’t expect a child to walk on day one. Also, another hot topic was how we think we are working for God instead of walking with God.
I spent a great deal of my life thinking I believed but not following anything close to what God would want. My treatment of people was subpar to say the least and while I tried to be a good person I was selective in that to say the least. My wife asked me a few weeks ago, to make a list of things I wanted to do in my life if it were to be shortened and I couldn’t think of much. The things I want are out of my grasp right now. I want to run around with the kids, I want to go out to the lake to swim. My biggest want in life is to walk up a set of stairs or better yet run up them. I want to do all of the things that I didn’t appreciate enough before all of this. I have my regrets in how I treated people but I have very few regrets in things I’d want to do. I’m not a person who cares about sitting on some exotic beach or climbing the highest mountain. I was so content in my life but not appreciative enough.
So, when asked to list those things they are short in dream vacations, etc. My list is to be a better person, to try and mend some of my mistakes, and to be more of who I’ve always needed to be. Our failures in life are what make us who we are. I don’t regret a lot of my mistakes because they took me down the path of life to find my wife, to find my children, and to find a lot of success. My regrets are the harms to people that I caused along the way. Those are the regrets you can’t take back but can try to mend and mitigate in the future.
So to tie all of this in I don’t want to work with God and will work on that. I’ve tried to do small things like making people smile and trying to be a better husband but even these steps are hard. I’m stumbling but trying. Maybe theres hope for me physically. Maybe I have Celiac and not ALS. Maybe I have both but can help or reverse some symptoms. Maybe 5 minutes before I die there will be a cure. Maybe none of that really matters. I know my life doesn’t end on this earth but it does scare me. Not because I don’t believe but becasuse I see my past sins so much more clearly now.
I’ve posted several times and told myself for my entire life that I was emotionless and that it was on me to provide my happiness. The truth is I was doing it all the wrong way. I was focused on being the best at my job or buying material items and that made me happy. The truth is I had it so good and didn’t enjoy it enough. I found frustrations in others. Like Christians need to help others from stumbling I needed to help others more and let others help me. I’ve stumbled so hard and never let the help come.
I missed that Boat by so many years but if you are reading this grab the help, help others, and walk with God. Everything material means nothing. It’s a farce of false happiness but the truth is all around us.
Live it, Love it, Cherish it. To throw in a little Dave Matthews Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die. None of that is literal but the figurative nature of it is so true. Go home and hug your wife, hug your children, and appreciate the steps God gives us.
I’ll end with this. I’ve questioned why I’m writing this blog and others have to. It’s self-revelation and the hopes that someone will read this who needs to. Even in writing this I’ve realized my sadness today is a wasted moment, a wasted gift, and yet again I have stumbled. I love you all and want to share that.